Just another day. Isabelle didnt go to school. Maybe she pon because of the heavy rain. It has been raining the last couple of days. But its alite. I dont mind the rain.

But the first two lessons were murder. Our english classroom was freezing. The aircon was switched on, and the fans were on too. People were complaining, and others took out their PE shirts to wrap themselves up for warmness. Myself, I took my bag and hid myself behind it, hoping to block out the power of the fan. But there was another fan behind me. So yeah, the bag didnt do any good. Kelly tapped me from behind and asked how come I wasnt cold. I said I was, through chattering teeth. Jean Luah noticed and went to, I hopefully wished, switch off the fans. But instead, she had put in more power and lowered the temperature of the aircon. I wanted to whack her. But I think it wasnt on purpose. I looked up and saw Sherlyn's face stuck onto the window of the classroom. I guess her class ended a little before mine and was waiting for us. When the bell rang, the class streamed out thankfully.

Mmmm. I went to art class after recess and showed Mdm Lim my art piece. She took one look at it, and rejected it straight away, saying it was of sec 1 standard. I jerked it away, disappointed and a little pissed. She had no mercy when pointing out critics about our work. But never mind. She gave me some ideas, and I'm gonna do a little research for it. Hopefully she likes my work in the end. I spent loads of time on it.

After school, I tasted Matthew's roll he'd made from cooking class. Hey, waitaminit. Matthew was from Design and Technology. Whats he doing with the rolls? Must be kop from Aaron or Keith. I wanted to try Sherlyn's cooking, but I had to go already. Wasted. But I'm avoiding sampling Xiu Feng's food. lol. Once I tried her food, last year, and Term 1 2004. I had a little indigestion. So a couple of tries cured me of wanting more. I always come looking for food whenever our D&T/cooking/art classes were over. I'm greedy. =D

Was a tad late for Maths class. Matthew, Aaron, Pei Yu, Sandra, Sherlyn and I were locked out of the classroom. But after a half hour the teacher let us in, or we'd have peeled off all the deco on the windows as "revenge" or something. Alite, have to go research. Grrr.

Alite.. School's over for another day. Gonna go to the Airport on Saturday. Remembered how Sherlyn used to tell me it was a great place to de-stress. Next to staring at her fish, of course. How I wish there wasnt any more school. I coud really use the time to think. I dont think I can spend another day faking smiles all the way.

I stayed back today, even though I didnt feel like it, but Xiu Feng needed me and Isabelle there. She had some problems. I wanted to be a friend so I stayed behind. But,
instead of talking bout her problem, she took my phone and played with it after talking awhile, so me and Isabelle started our own conversation. Man, Isabelle is tha pro. Without even asking or telling to, she knew what was going on in my mind without reading my diary. She's either a very very good guesser or could read my mind.

Well. She talked to me about it, gave me her views and stuff. She, I dont regret telling to. The rest, I did. Never mind, shant dwell on what is done. So many people, so many pieces of advice, so many choices. But I guess there is only two roads for me to choose from. On Saturday, I will know. That is when I sort out ALL my thinking. Jonathan's given me a few things to think about. I hope to have them all sorted out by the time I step back home on Saturday evening.

Sherlyn will be coming with me. I had wanted to ask Jonathan, as I felt I could just say out whatever I felt. But I think if I get him along, there will be no end to his talking. And I would probably not get any thoughts sorted out. Well, sorry Jon.. But I guess I need someone's company, someone who will be quiet and do his/her own things. I would probably spend my time starting into space, lost in thought.

Summary: Today. Routine. Boring. Tuesday.

Deprived? The one thats deprived is you, you freak. *&^%$&*

Anw.. Yesterday night, I was reading the Bible. I was looking at the verses for when I have done something wrong. I was thinking about the problem with Isabelle. Since it is solved, I starting thinking, about other things. I was wondering, what is it that my heart desires. Tsk...I have sinned real bad...Felt so guilty today...When I was doing my homework...Just dont ask me what that sin is...I dont want to let anyone know...Because I know they will despise me...Sian...I dont believe I did what I did...Geez...Of all things...Must be that...Tsk tsk...Dun ask me...Dun ask me...Because I dont know anything...Man...I wish I had never come to know it...So suey...After one problem has been solved another comes...Geez...Why am I so unlucky...Alite...Never mind...

I was reading a diary. Suddenly my vision blurred. I blinked my eyes hard, and two drops of water trickled down my face. I was shocked, as I was completely unaware that I was crying. My dad came into the room, I daren't face him with my wet eyes. He talked to me, asking if I was hungry and wanted to eat. I shook my head, silently willing him away. He said more, he told me to have an early night as tomorrow was the first day of school. He asked if I enjoyed my hols, and if I did, I can look forward to the next one. I had my back to him all the while he was in my room. He made no attempt after that to move any closer to me, or to try start up somemore small talk. Guilt overtook me, as I felt I was being rude to my elder. I said "I'm sorry" silently, as if I was apologising to myself. He left the room, with, I think, a heavy heart, that his own daughter refused to have a pleasant conversation with him. I looked at my computer, and shifted my gaze to the Bible that was beside the computer. I read a few verses, on "You've done something wrong". I typed the verse Psalms 51 in my online diary. But decided not to copy here. Abit too long. Alite.. Gotta go now. Or I wont be able to wake up for school tomorrow. Ta ta.

er. Did I miss something? I think I did. One second ago Isabelle was so mad steam would be coming outta her head. The next second she started laughing and saying the boy I was talking about in my entry, was cute. Invisible question marks were floating above my head. And I asked, are you angry with me? She said no. I mean, she forgives me? er. Was I the one in the wrong the whole time? Okay, never mind. Forgive and forget, I always say. =D Hang on, do I?

Our God in Heaven,
Hallowed is His name
Our kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us today our daily bread
And forgive us of our depts
As we have forgiven our deptors
Lead us not into temptation
And deliver us from evil

lol. I memorized it this morning. So proud of myself. Can remember.

I wrote in my diary "Hmmm. Just found out from my sister that you found me irritating. Wa. Fine lo. Care for you then you find me irritating. Cheh. I dont care anymore. Go play your GunBound ba. Hao xin mei hao bao. Help you find out things you treat me like that. Next time I wont even bother."

I was talking about Benjamin. Danielle told me Benjamin told Amanda that I was irritating as that time I went to see him. haha. Isabelle got the wrong idea. Started yelling her head off, telling me to get my facts right before I accuse anyone. lol. Man its gotta be embarrassing when she finds out I wasnt talking about her. Wish I could see her face. When I saw her scold me I was laughin my head off. Even told me to get my facts straight before scolding anyone. Eh, now who's supposed to get her facts straight before scolding anyone? Well, definitely not Rudolph. Man. So funny. And ridiculous.

Powerful winds brew up a tornado
Tears on people's faces down they flow
No qualms about destroying everything in its path
Bestowing upon the earth a horrible wrath
Incessive rain pour down mercylessly
Unleashing all anger and horror within with glee
Sun peeking though thick clouds emitting thunder
Leaving behind houses and property torn asunder
Winds blow intensively, trying to bring back peace
But only heavier force did they manage to increase
Deperated running figures looked like ants from above
Screaming with anxiety for what they fear of
Getting stronger and stronger with every mile
Full and never lacking moods of versatile
Winds bind and twist with perfect rhythm and motion
Copying the view and feel of an angry ocean
It never ceases to be a disaster everyone detests
Making rivers of the environment crest
Vicious and ferocious twists of winds ruin the country
Reaching across the area with no sign of boundary
Fleeing from it, residents run for their lives
Taking an indication whenever one arrives
Destroying everything was unshakeable resolution
Not resting till all is ruined beyond doctoration

Alright. First things first. No more being all touchy and writing stupid stuff in here. Now's not the right time to get all emotional.

Oh yes. Am going to CHS play with Sherlyn on Friday night. I hope I dont get a -t o n g u e l a s h i n g- from my dad again. Whew. I cant wait for the play. Its the same as the play drama's doing in FMSS. I want to see Sherlyn's role - the tree. lol. Nice role, Sherlyn. ;)

Here're are some phrases that I liked:
"I hate him for leaving when I thought he never would ... but I love him for staying when I was putting him through so much."

"To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed."

"I used to find my self trying to change you, but if you were meant to be my lover I wouldn't have to."

"Valuing a relationship is not merely done by seeing each other everyday. What counts is how much in our busy lives we remember each other."

There're from Alson. he was bored so he typed all these out. From the internet or something. I liked them so I copied them here.

Got up real early to realise that only 6 people had come for the Chemistry remedial. But it wasnt a total waste. I'd managed to do half of my Chem homework. It was rather fun, so later I'm going to complete it. =) Suddenly so hard-working. I'm scaring myself.

lol I cant wait for when Sherlyn and Xiu Feng carry out their scheme. lol. I'm glad I'm involved. Its gonna be fun, I betcha.

Gab changed my blogskin for me. I found my previous one too plain. That makes what, 4 blogskins? Geez. Anw, thanks, Gab!

Poem - What Love Is To Me


Love is like a bee's sting
For only unhappiness it can bring

Love is loving wholeheartedly and being betrayed
For their love for you over time seems to fade

Love is full of tragic, hurt and pain
For in love there's nothing to gain

Love is sacrificing and getting hurt in return
For your loved one always rejects your concern

Love is sometimes nothing but full of lies
For true feelings are often hidden under a disguise

Love is something that breaks your heart
For soon from your loved one you'd be apart

Love is always ending with a "goodbye"
For it often leaves you high and dry

Love is sometimes sweet or bitter
For it hardly ever changes for the better

Love is nothing to be proud about
For it always leave you struggling in doubt

Love is something you get trapped in
For some make out love to seem its a sin

Love is something you will sooner detest
For in the end unfairness will make you want to protest

Love is never for eternity
For it is nothing like serenity

Love often turns out the way you least expect
For it never breaks your heart direct

Love is nothing I would want to have again
For smiles and laughter I always have to feign

Isabelle had updated her diary. When I stepped home today I was in a great mood. I had spent that day with Sherlyn and Xiu Feng. Xiu Feng stayed a short while only. We were completing our homework at BK. So many things happened. I wanted to share here. But when I read Isabelle's diary I didnt feel like laughing or smiling. When I read those about Joshua I felt goosebumps crawling up my arms. I felt my eyes grow hot with tears. Soon I was covering my mouth, as if too scared to utter a sound when I was crying. My sister wasn't in the room, so I was grateful for that. I was jamming my hand so close to my mouth that it hurt. I asked myself, why is the past about Joshua affecting me so much? I had a perfect reason to hate him. But here I am pinning for him. There's something wrong with me. Many girls hate the guys who break their hearts and shun them. But why does the past affect me so badly.

I never should have said I thought Joshua was cute. Then I would probably be spared this pain I'm feeling now. Joshua changed. After all that happened. he changed alot. Why couldnt we have been friends first? If so, we'd probably be talking now as normal friends. And not like there's always tension between us. I'd like to be normal friends with him, but I dont think that's possible. There will always be something that prevents me from talking to him like how I talk to Isabelle. Or Alson. The first part of the friendship was so sweet. We were talking and laughing and you know, feeling shy and embarrassing each other. I loved every minute of that 2 weeks. Well, except for the awkwardness. That I dont fancy. I gotta stop talking about this. I dont want to punctuate this day. I had fun. But now its spoilt by a few memories. I gotta start laughing. I should start laughing like I did today, when Sherlyn joked. I have to learn to push horrid memories to the back of my mind.

I gotta forget him. For good.

"I'll never leave you" he had said
and I trusted him with all my heart
"be my girlfriend" he sincerely asked
never did I realise we would soon be apart
"I'll love you till my dying day" he told me
I didnt think of me he'd be tired
"I'll always be there for you" he claimed
the truth that he'd given up was soon transpired
I felt horrible, empty, and devastated
I asked for chances of reconciliation
my questions replied with no definite answers
and all that overtook me was frustration
it all happened to be changed into distant memories
without even a shimmer of hope left
mt life came to a stop that night
I was confined to my thoughts which conceals only a cleft
so many things I wanted to say
so many emotions to confess
I still stand on this earth, wearing a mask
with confidence i no longer posses
I thought I could hold him to his promises
I thought I had found love again
but it ceased to be reality, only a dream
so here alone in my isolated world I remain


not a good poem. I felt bored, so I did this. I wasnt in a great mood anyway.

"I come in peace hoping we can be good friends bcos I think it would not be suitable if we were a couple" [joshua]

"You makin it sound as though I were the only one havings problems... I guess bcos you dowan to spoil my image of you thats y you so unnatural..." [joshua]

"Thats why it didnt work our right... We have to face it mic... Thats life... Glad you know wads wrong at least." [joshua]

"Ok... Remember... You have all the time you need... And that you being sad doesnt make me feel much better alright? Take care... I still love you, as a friend..." [joshua]

"Lolz...Relax la sis...U so kan chion 4 wad...Haha,I will help u de but nt nw,he may have fallen asleep n sayin tat might sumhow irritate him... I do hope u 2 can b tgt
too,but back to the main prob,u 2 refuse to communicate like bf/gf...How can the r/s go on if theres no communication...Muz tink over it" [alson]

"... ...U are mad... ...He told me tis,I tink I ought to tell u..."i dowanna luv her shell,I wanna luv her"...Hope tis helps u in dreamin of him...Lolz" [alson]



These are the sms-es either Alson or Joshua sent me yesterday. When I saw the first, fourth and last msg I felt so experated. Especially the last one. It made me realise my mistake. But its too late. I wish they'd told me earlier. Now its too late to make amends. Just too late.

When reading those three sms-es I cried all three times. I couldnt control myself. I kept scolding myself for being so weak. I went to watch tv, to try to divert my thoughts. But when I set my eyes on the screen I thought of him. I dont think I ever have a chance with him again. I had my chance and I lost it.

I'm feeling so devastated and empty. Like something's missing in my life. This kind of things keep happening and happening. It wasnt easy for me to push bensee to the back of my mind for the sake of Joshua. It wasnt easy trying and trying to be myself, and not a "shell", as he calls it. It wasnt easy bringing myself to believe another person's promise of never leaving me. I've tried to ask him out again, in spending two days thinking, what should I say to start conversations. Thinking, what would be appropriate for me to say, and what would be inappropriate. When I agreed when my younger sister told me to go with her to meet Amanda, so at the same time I could see bensee, the moment I stepped in the shopping centre at Dhoby Ghaut I felt so guilty, so remorseful. I felt I was doing something wrong. I walked out of the shopping centre with a guilty conscience. I felt I was betraying Joshua of some kind. I told myself, I had to tell Joshua that I havent gotten over bensee yet, as there was still a bit of me that always thought of him.

I told myself, on the night of the concert, sms him, strike up a conversation. Then slowly tell him. But even before I could tell him I, stupidly, had started an arguement.

But now, I dont regret not telling him. Would he have bothered. I think he's gotten over me already, anw. he said he'd treasure the memories we've had together. I felt like asking him, what memories? The only memory I have over this is when we had a disagreement, and when we were struggling to talk, like friends, and not awkwardly walking around in silence.

This is all so experating. I dont know what I'm going to do about this. Sometimes I really wonder, why is life so unfair. I would have thought I've lost him. But, no. I've not lost him. Because you cant lose what you never had.

Yesterday was cool. Went for the concert and stuff. Asked Natalie like crazy bout bensee. haha. She told me and in the end I'd rather not know. Heart-brokened. But she's rather sociable. We talked like long time friends. She told me if I wanted to wait for bensee, go ahead. She said time was the most important in this kind of things. But I dont think I have so much of a chance. Probably about 10%? Maybe less. But Sherlyn.. That toot.. haha. Invited Cheuk then all the thoughts start comin out.. She was sniffling in there and I thought she was crying. Scary. And in the middle of the concert picked a fight with Joshua. We didnt talk since. Geez. Got really upset after that. he made a remark and I retorted. Oh well.

Was in a foul mood today. First I was still thinking about that incident with Joshua. Then I had to cancel ljs with Sherlyn to go shopping with my dad. Then in the end I didnt get any jacket. Alson invited me for badminton next week with his friends. Joshua, Jon, Cynthia and another girl. I was supposed to team with Joshua against Alson and Cynthia. I asked if I could ask along A friend. ONE FRIEND. he said no. Bloody hell. he got so many friends le I only want to ask one and he says no. I dont really feel like going. I dont know anyone there cept for Joshua and Alson. And since that arguement I dont feel like talking to Joshua. And who wants to talk to the guy who practically worships Isabelle. Puh-lease. I'd wanted to ask Sarah. But now, forget it.

When we got home dad told us to go to his room as he needed to talk to us. I was going, what's your problem. We were in store for 3 pep talks. One because we wake up real late in the hols, the next one was because I didnt have the responsibilty to come back early and the next one was because we spent too much time watching tv. Man. Why cant I have parents like Sherlyn. They just let her do her own things. We got stuck with a curfew of 9:30. Sucks.

Saw Ms Ng Siew Cheng from F.M.P.S at Suntec though. haha. She recognized me. Amazing, since it was 3 years since she taught me. She recognized me but failed to remember Gab. Sian. Feel like chilling with friends tomorrow since I have nothing else to do cept homework. They make me nauseous.

Oh yes.. Worse of all, Natalie told me Mark has a girlfriend outside! Aghhh!!

Had a weird dream yesterday night. I dreamt I was going overseas the next day, which was today. So it meant I was missing the concert. I felt so angry because I wouldnt be at the concert. And it would feel bad, because it was gonna be the second time I pang seh Sherlyn. The first time was that RGS play. lol. When I woke up I felt so guilty of the stupid dream. I thought it as real. Well, it felt real.

Today's practise was fun. Abit tough though. When I was training with the coach I always smashed outside the court. So when it was my turn to smash he would stand outside the court to get my ball. And that sec 1 guy was laughing his head off. Was it that funny. I dunno.

SIGHH. I was looking out the window during badminton practise. I saw the place where bensee would always sit to play the guitar or talk with his friends. I was wondering, why bensee left me. Was it cause of Eunice. I kept thinking. he was the best thing that happened to me and it was taken away in 2 months. So unfair! hai~

Was I in a foul mood today. Well for a short while only though.

Seems like I cant rely on any of my friends except Jonathan. It was about the school band concert tomorrow night. We were desperatly trying to find people to go so Aaron would not have so many unsold tickets. I spent 15 minutes trying to persuade Isabelle to just go, and her dad forbids her to. And at the end still called me up and scolded me. I tried Joshua, Alson, Xiu Feng and Sherlyn called Ziluo and Julia. All couldnt make it. I got so angry I wouldve railed at anyone who pissed me off further. But I didnt. Sherlyn was there so I controlled. When Jon agreed to go I was so happy. So my anger vanished like snow when spring breaks out. Sherlyn invited 4 of her friends. I told myself, if I couldnt find someone to go with me, I would back out. I mean, it would be pointless for me to go. It was all Sherlyn's friends. I didnt know them. I would look absolutely foolish then. But like what Sherlyn was singing today, "tomorrow is just a day away". lol. I'm excited too, now. Since Jon's accompanying me. Good. I can sms someone in the concert hall if I'm bored anw. Hope Sherlyn sits with me.

Golly, first time wearing skirt out. haha.

Btw, I went to PS with Sherlyn today. Seems bensee was also gonna be there so... ... heh.. The rest I should think its needless to say. I didnt see him though. But it wasnt a complete loss. Sherlyn and I went to watch Home On The Range. It was funny. Stupid, but funny. It was fun. We wanted to watch Shrek Two, actually. But it was sold out!! After we bought tickets for HOTR, then did I suggest going to another theatre. We couldve kicked ourselves right there in the shopping mall for being such doofuses. Anw.. Saw a coupe of lesbians.. haha.. Sherlyn and I were grossed out.. Was rather gross to look at. But Sherlyn was fascinated. haha. We just talked rubbish. I forgot what we talked about already.

We sat 4th row from the front so we could get the full effects. Boy, were we comfortable. Legs up and stuff. We turned to our sides so we were practically leaning on each other. So it wasnt a day wasted. I just got mad at the end. I got mighty pissed. Was toying with the idea of punching the wall till it cracks when I got home. I got the energy and mood for it. Oh well. I'm fine now. Excited bout tomorrow.. haha..

SHERLYN!! Sherlyn, you freak. Why you send me that when its not April Fools'!! Argh. You lame girl. You scared me like crazy. My heart's still jumping around crazily. What a gag. Man Sherlyn I'm gonna get back at you. I'm so terrifed of these kind of things. Trust you to send that to me. >_<||| That sure was some freaky shit.

Harry Potter again. I kept yawning during the movie. But its understandable, right? It was the 3rd time I was watching it. I wanted to hold Joshua's hand. But somehow didnt have the guts. I kept saying to myself, "do it, do it now!" Pressure was piling on me like holiday homework. So, yeah, you guessed it, I chickened out the last minute. Show was about to be over anw.

We met, talked, saw the movie, and left. he had made arrangements to meet his friends at 2. So I got home at about 1. Man I wanna see him again.

Oh yes, Joshua told me Isabelle could go out once the hols are over. Rather stupid, really. By the time the hols are over they wont be able to go out. They have their Os to worry about.

I woke up with the sun shining as if to welcome a new day of my life. Today's probably gonna be one filled with sun and fun. Only I'm cooped up in at home and the fun's probably not beinning till I'm soaking in the company of my friends. Cheers, Gab and Sherlyn`. A guy, or girl, could never ask for better friends than you two.

Although this morning was bright and sunny, marking a new day, I couldnt help getting a horrid feeling right at the bottom of my stomach. It felt as if it would puke out anything I ate. It was the feeling of guilt.

I shouldnt have readily agreed when my sister asked me out for a movie with my ex and his sister, one of the few younger people whom I'm close to. As much as I had wanted to see him, I knew it was wrong. Just a couple of days back, I remembered telling Joshua I wanted to jio him back. I had just agreed to go out with Joshua one-on-one on Saturday, and there I was, jumping and screaming with the thought of having a chance to see my ex. Sherlyn` couldnt have been more right. I have not gotten over Benjamin. I mean, think about it, I was in the most wonderful relationship I've ever had, and it was over in 2 months. I didnt want to accept it, and was waiting for 4 months. Another guy came along, but he's vulgar but also rather good. I couldnt have just forgotten Benjamin in those couple of weeks I was dating Joshua.

Its insanity I tell you. I know Benjamin is a better choice, but the fact is, he'll never come back into my life. I dont stand a chance against Eunice.

My sister asked me to go on a movie with her, Amanda, and bensee. When I heard I went ballistic. bensee. BENSEE leh. I've been waiting for this moment for damn long. Buuut.. However much I'd like to see him, I dun think its appropriate. I mean, we've broken up and stuff. And I've got Joshua. haha besides.. Sherlyn` read Eunice's sms-es from bensee.. hahaha.. Cool one, Sherlyn`.. Just wish I could see the msgs. Wouldve been cool.

So we went to watch Harry Potter. We sat right in front when the show was startin. haha we laughed real loud at the jokes like no one's business and stuff. We were talking about the movie loudly too. haha. It was fun. I think I'm gonna sleep in the theatre on Saturday. Thats when I'm going with him to watch. I'd probably be snoring in there. Yeah, well, thats it for today then. See ya tomorrow.

mushroom

I was dang pissed yesterday. First my younger sister use the computer until the connection to the internet snapped, so I couldnt update my blog. Second got into a teeny arguement when Alson bout the movie. Joshua wanted to watch so Alson invited me and Bell along. Bell couldnt go and there's the whole scenario again. he's so damn selfish. Only think of himself wanna hold Bell and stuff. I wanted to bitch about him here. But my qi xiao le. I'm no longer angry. Anw..

Gonna watch Harry Potter with Gab and Sherlyn` later at tbp I guess. We're catching the 3.35 show. First we gonna eat LJS.. haha.. I always feel like LJS.. Cheap and good. I was sms-ing Joshua and now I'm supposed to go watch Harry Potter with him. Geez. 3 times. My wallet will hurt if my eyes dont.. Oh well.

Mom brought back some snacks yesterday and we were all eating them in the living rom in front of the tv. Danielle was eating something that looked good. I asked her what was it and she said mushrooms. Golly. There were so many too. Geez. It reminded me of the mushroom the suffered a terrible death from Rebecca. I dun think many people will know what I'm talking about.. haha.. Mushrooms are so nice and there was Danielle shovelling them into her mouth. Sigh. I'm gonna get back at Rebecca man. Images of the crumpled mushroom torments my mind.

Golly wonder how could I have piled up so many entries in such a short while. Lol. Its terribly hot in the room. Sweating like crazy. Well, today was fine had chinese bla bla bla. Came home watch 'Friends' bla bla bla. Well thats my life. As exciting as bread and butter.

Oh yes, I remembered there was this chinese drama show about this couple who love each other, but the girl takes him for granted and stuff. Only when she finds out his life is shortened by bone cancer does she show her love and concern for him. I mean, I find it ridiculous. Only when the guy's suffering from some disease does the girl show concern. If there's nothing wrong with the guy, would the girl treat him coldly forever? People tend to take things for granted, then cry about it later. Real life example, me. I always take things for granted. And when things turn out an unexpected way I regret my actions like crazy. One regret of my life, letting bensee slip away from me. Still regret that like crazy.

MmMm.. I'm talking to Joshua via sms now. We're more of a friend-type, so, there's less tension, thank God, and more things to talk about. Hmm think we're better off as friends than date-type. Bell told him I broke down in the cab yesterday though. >.< he asked me, and he said he'd make it up to me. I joked with him and thats how we got talking now. Wish Bell didnt tell him though. I bet he thinks I'm some kinda wuss. Anw, Sherlyn` thats an American slang if you wanna pick it up. Lol. Got loads from 'Friends'.

Hmmm oh yes, Sherlyn` you still up for Harry Potter on Thurs? Duno if Gab going though. Maybe she's going with her BB. Sigh hope she doesnt 'pang seh' us for him. But who can blame her for doing that.. Lol.. Its probably the power of luuurve.. Lol.. I'm feeling wacky today.. Pardon..

harry potter

I might as well go to CineLeisure to watch Harry Potter by myself. First I begged Mdm Lim to let me leave because Bell wouldnt go unless someone was there. She didnt care who that person was, as long as she wasnt alone. She asked SHUmei to go instead of me in front of me. Then I'd be like, paying for SHUmei's ticket. No way.

And in the middle of art Bell's dad called me. "Woo big surprise"! I cant stand it. he called to tell me again that "my daughter is not allowed to get in contact with those friends of yours. So you better convey this message to your friends, and tell them not to get into contact with my daughter of any sort, or I would have to and talk to their parents. Bye" as I quote exactly. Argh. Those friends of mine?! Sigh I guess I gotta tell Alson later.

I had to go, or Bell would just stand Alson up with so much as an sms saying "cancelled not going". My heart goes out to Alson, that poor guy. (not taking over that poor trodden-on mushroom though. That's still no. 1)

Soon we were dismissed, so I took my money and went with Bell leavin a forlorn-looking SHUmei behind. Got there in bout 20 mins or so.I hadda sit alone because I knew Alson wanted some privacy with his girlfriend. I told Bell I wanted to sit alone, but she insisted I sit with them. Little did I know she had already told Alson to but separate tickets. >_<

Oh yes, Joshua bailed out on us last minute, so there I was, sitting in between the wall and Casper. Not a nice experience. They were behind me bein all lovey-dovey, I 'spect. Lalala got through the show, then I led the way to the station. It was a first. I finally knew my way from CineLeisure to Somerset station. I expected myself to get lost thanks to my "lousy sense of direction".

Walked in front of them, cos I wanted them to talk, and also because I couldnt look anymore (Sherlyn` and Gab should know ^.^). heh.. I looked back, and saw them holding hands. Oops. A little more than I expected.I dont know how I kept myself alive the past 3 and a half hours. Man. If it were Sherlyn` or Gab they'd probably have escaped half-way through the show.

I was playing with that thought, btw. I was thinking of leaving half-way because I was starving. I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. I want that neoprint the four of us took. I'd like to have something to remember Joshua by. I paid for it but didnt keep it. Ironical, right. Ditto. Guess the perfect couple took one each to gaze each other's eyes every nite. *pui* So, today sucked except for the movie. And Joshua didnt even go. So much for getting excited because I could see him one last time. I say that so much, I make myself think either me or he is dying of some kinda disease. Or some "kinder", as quoted from SHUmei. Man. Why cant my life be normal?

And there's something wrong with all my blogs. Whenever I make an entry it looks fine, but the next day all my text becomes bold. So frustrating. Wonder who knows how to stop this.

Okay. So my dad came home. And started yelling at me over some stupid chinese westside songs. As if I would know. Exchanged a few heated remarks. Oh well.

HmMmM.. Was suddenly thinking of bensee today. Wonder why. But there's one thing for sure, I know that bensee will be someone I will never forget. I sat on my bed reminiscing. Thinking of our belated Valentine's Day. How we met, the first time we held hands, and the first time we said "I love you" to each other. I was with him 2 months, and waited 4. Can you imagine? Golly. You'll realise time flies when you look back. I still remember each and every moment with him.

I remember when we were both lying under our tables laughing and talking on the phone. Guess erasing him from my mind will be quite unachieveable.

I didnt realise Monday is just tomorrow. I wish I didnt have art to go to. I wish we didnt break up so soon. I just want to stay at home and think through all that happened. I reckon its time to start facing up to reality. I've been running away for far too long. I even thought of what to say, and what to do when I meet him. And now we've broken up with no sign of reconcilation, and he's bringing Jonathan, his friend, along. Since he was bringing a friend, I thought I would too. So I got Sherlyn` to go too. Then Bell called me, and it seems that her bao bei Alson doesnt want so many people alone. To satisfy him I had to disinvite Sherlyn`. Its not a good thing, too. If I had to disinvite Sherlyn` why cant Joshua disinvite Jonathan. I guess tomorrow I'd be walking by myself and talking to myself. Rubbish. I feel so guilty now man. Sorry, Sherlyn`. I'd invite u again if I could. But apparantly I cant. Or Alson wont go. And if Alson doesnt go Bell wont go. What's this man.

he's not going

Joshua just cancelled on us. he's not going on Monday. And I was really looking forward to it because I'd be able to see him again. Even if it means for the last time. I dont know whether this relationship can go further, whether it can still be mended. If it cant, I'd love to see him one last time. I just got Alson to help me to ask Joshua to go. Just for one last time if he gives up on this relationship. I should expect him to. I've learnt my lesson. From now on I'm gonna be mentally prepared.

I hope Joshua will go for me on Monday, even if he doesnt feel like going. I just want to see him, y'know? Because if he's ending it with no hope then I wouldnt want to see him again, even if Alson and Bell needs us both there when we go on dates. If they ever ask me again I'm just gonna say no. They'll understand. But I know Alson wont ask. he knows my situation now. I just hope Bell understands as well as Alson. Maybe better because she's my best friend.

I just still cant accept this is gone for good. I've asked if there was still another chance. he said perhaps yes maybe no. Gosh. But. May as well. When I'm having all these doubts of having a future with him. Maybe we're just not meant to be. But after every phone call I seem to have forgotten all those doubts. And I seem to have been attracted to him more. Ah. What crap am I talking now. Anw. I hope to receive good news from Alson.

three words

"michelle lets break" three words to send my almost perfect world crashing down. I'll still be going for harry potter on Monday, I guess. I wouldn't want to miss that show and I guess Bell'd want me there. I'll see first tho. I'll be catching it on Wednesday with Sherlyn` and Gab anw.

he just said "I'm too tired to carry on" and that's that. I dun believe this. For once I actually believed him. And he just came and took everything away.

And Bell wants to meet Alson first and then meet us all at the theatre. As in, after the chinese remedial I will meet Joshua and Bell would meet Alson. And later we would meet at the theatre. And they say they want us to talk more. Talk what shit. We aren't even together. Wtf. I cant believe this. I was watching Friends when he lowered the bomb on me. Argh and double argh.

Alson said this "relationship" still got hope. What hope. I give up already. Love sucks.

argh

WHAT THE... Alson just told me Joshua wanted to "break up" with me. No wonder he was so cold to me today. If he wants a "break up" the why couldnt he just come tell me himself than act like a typical guy break up by treating me coldly. That is SO typical of guys! Argh! I cant believe this!! For once I really truly believed he wasn't like any other guys and I TRUSTED HIM. This is bullshit. Bollocks. Whatever. Thats it man. I hate all guys. They're jerks. I'm trying damn hard now not to cry by trying to persuade Sherlyn` not to be sad over her dory. Dammit. Should have stood by what I said of giving up on love. Argh.

the Great Depression

Man Gab's upset bout her BB. If this gets to Sherlyn` she'll be reminded of her depression. And both of them would plunge into Great Depression. Sounds ike history now. lol. Then they'll be so depressed I'll get reminded about bensee. Then all of us would get depressed. I'm beinning to dislike that word. I'm feeling depressed now.

Just changed my blogskin. Looks cool but at the same time looks childish. Oh well. I'd probably change it after the movie.

Oh, that reminds me. I cant wait for the 17th to watch Harry Potter. Would probably be watching then. I have no idea how to get bell out of the house without her dad following.

Soo.. Gab, Sherlyn`? Harry Potter when it opens? Gimme the answer soon k.